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Southern Stories
10 Signs You Might Be From Texas
Aug 26/16

10 Signs You Might Be From Texas Posted by: Aaron Stearns | 0 Comments


Texas. It’s a world all its own. And the people there — don’t mess with them. They do everything bigger. From hair to handguns.

You can spot them a mile away, and we’re not saying that’s a bad thing. So, from barbecued brisket expert to Galveston vacations, from panhandle to shining sea, here’s 10 tell-tale signs you might be from Texas.


1. Your priorities, in order of importance: Texas, Air, Water, Food, Clothing, Shelter, etc… **

2. The new six-lane superhighway they spent twelve years building just opened up and you couldn’t be happier with the two minutes it’s shaved off your drive time.

3. You know that Bluebell Ice Cream is the best ice cream ever created because the average summer high in Burlington, Vermont is 81 degrees and the average summer high in the Bronx is 85. Brenham, Texas, on the other hand, averages 96 degrees in August. What in the holy hell could Ben & Jerry’s and Häagen-Dazs possibly know about hot-weather-food?

4. You take pride in knowing that Galveston Beach is the perfect vacation spot, no matter how muddy, choppy, shallow, seaweed choked, or criminally polluted it gets. Those refineries twinkle like stars at night. It’s beautiful. Hell, the gamma rays help us see the jellyfish.

5. You know exactly where to find the best, best BBQ. No, it’s not there. Not there either. Salt Lick? Try again. Two Bros.? ‘Fraid not. Goode Co.? Aw, you’re cute.

6. On the subject of Tex Mex: See # 5.

7. You see a person watering their lawn at 1:30AM and think to yourself, “Well that person is obviously an environmentally conscious Texan doing their part to conserve water during the drought.” And not, “Well that person is a bloody serial killer doing their best to alert the neighborhood of their burgeoning sociopathy.”

8. You find nothing ironic about drinking Lone Star.

9. You consider a microbrew asking more than five bucks a pint to be an affront to God.

10. You have petitioned to several presidential administrations that February 3rd be declared a national day of mourning.


**The list, beyond this point, becomes very subjective. The average reader might find “education,” “equality,” and “women’s rights” somewhere in the top ten. Perry enthusiasts, however, might find them somewhere after “Ten Commandment Statues,” “kolaches,” and “soap.”


In love with Texas? See all of our hand-picked products from the Lone Star State. 

Native Texan and rot-gut aficionado J. Angelo Cassaro lives in Austin with his girlfriend, Anna, and their cat, Langston. When he’s not busy writing, he’s learning how to bake. He kindly requests that you kids stay off his lawn.



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