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Eight Essential Apps for Southerners
Sep 02/16

Eight Essential Apps for Southerners Posted by: Aaron Stearns | 0 Comments

Recently, I found myself in a detestable situation, a common conundrum in my home state of Arkansas and one I’m sure other Southerners have come up against. After driving a whole hour outside city limits on my way to a lakeside camping trip, I pulled over at the podunk gas station to stock my cooler for the three-day weekend. Eager to kickstart my vacation buzz, I made a beeline for the beer fridge. There it was, aluminum columns glistening coldly behind frosted glass doors, three walls full of nothing but … Cokes. My heart, and my heretofore perfectly planned party weekend, fizzled out between a row of grape Faygo and a wall of hardened gummy bears. I should have known it was a dry county.


A loud siren should have sounded the minute I stepped foot on “dry” land. People should be warned.

After driving the 50 godforsaken miles to the nearest liquor store and driving the 50 godforsaken miles back to the campsite, I had a damn fine weekend that NOTHING could ruin. And, with a genius-inspiring buzz working in my favor, I had an epiphany: there should be an app that alerts you when you’re nearing a dry county. I know more than a handful of Southerners who’d appreciate that kind of helpful technology.

Alas, an app that perfect doesn’t exist yet. However, on my search for one such app, I discovered a slew of other tech tools for being a successful Southerner. Here are eight apps that just might help you avoid a sticky situation someday … even if that situation is just a bad case of boredom.

1. Church Finder (Free)


No matter where you are or what you did Saturday night, in the South you can ALWAYS find a place to come clean. But if you’re actually lost — not just lost in a “Bless her heart, she’s headed down the fiery path to damnation” kind of way — this app will show you the way to “the truth, and the life.”

 

2. iSolunar Hunting & Fishing Times ($4.99)


This app uses something called the “Solunar Theory” that was developed by someone named John Alden Knight sometime in the 1930s, and, using variables and the moon’s position and stuff, it predicts the best time to fish and hunt in a location of your choice. That makes sense. I’ll buy that.

 

3. Tailgate Cornhole ($0.99)


I’m kind of embarrassed to play the game of cornhole because  of the word “cornhole.” But I’ll admit that it’s fun and that I play it on the password-protected privacy of my iPhone, using a pseudonym that will never be traced back to me.

 

4. Sports Schedules (Free)


If you’re a sports fan, chances are you root for more than one team. This app will help you keep track of when they’re all playing, so you’ll be well prepared to park it on the couch when game day arrives. It even detects news headlines that mention your team, so you can keep up with any scandals.

 

5. 5-0 Radio Police Scanner Lite (Free)


Speaking of scandal, be the first one to hear the neighborhood gossip via this app, which taps into live police radios in your area. When the cable is out, it’s kind of like you can still watch “Cops.”

 

6. Hill Climb (Free)


Go mudding, rock crawling, uphill racing — or whatever people in your neck of the woods call driving a big-ass truck recklessly across Hill Country — without getting whiplash with this embarrassingly addictive app. Just be careful not to flip the ride and snap your driver’s birdlike neck.


Little Rock writer Willa Dean expects to receive a large share of the profits from the brilliant techie who makes her dry county app a reality. Give credit where credit is due.


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