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Sweet Indignity: Best and Worst Things Done to Candy Corn
Jan 26/17

Sweet Indignity: Best and Worst Things Done to Candy Corn Posted by: Aaron Stearns | 0 Comments

Candy corn, with its recognizable tri-colored tones should be considered the official flag of Halloween. And as the unofficial mascot of Halloween — hit the road, jack-o-lanterns — the internet has found plenty of uses for this dandy little candy. Some really good. Some … well, some have us wondering, “why the heck would you do THAT to candy corn?”



1. Candy cocktail
Until some distillery invents candy corn infused vodka — I’m sure once they’re finished creating flavors from every breakfast cereal featured in my childhood, candy corn is next on the list — the do-it-yourselfers of the world will have to infuse their own. Luckily, it’s not that difficult. You only need patience and the discipline required to not eat all of the candy before it gets to the vodka. Actually, that may be the hardest part.


2. Corn All Together
Mitch Hedberg famously wondered why it’s called corn on the cob. “But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that ‘corn,’ and they should call every other version ‘corn-off-the-cob.’ It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch,” but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.” Yes, exactly. So, this inventive food person decided to put candy corn back on the cob with this fully edible little confection. (In her version, you can even eat the cob, is what we’re saying.)



3. Candy Corn Goes to College: The Jello Shot Edition
Honestly, you’re not a child anymore, and frankly, outside of grandparents day in the school cafeteria, we have to say eating jello without alcohol in it is fairly undignified. And furthermore, sometimes you want your jello shots to look like Martha Stewart made them, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In short, these look pretty delicious. They also look better if someone else makes them.


4. Why Haven’t Ben & Jerry Thought of This?
When Ben & Jerry finally do invent candy corn ice cream, what would they call it? How about “Sweet, Sweet Corny?” Well, whatever the name, we’d bet the bank on a candy corn flavor once this silly pumpkin spice trend is over.





1. Seriously, though. Why would you do that to candy corn?
We’ve seen this little Halloween “decor” idea on several different blogs, and we have to wonder who would wield a glue gun and turn perfectly good candy corn into … whatever this is. A porcupine? A sea anemone? Some sort of inedible chia pet? We don’t understand.


2. Candy Corn doesn’t grow on trees.
This idea is slightly better than the last one, at least you could conceivably eat the candy, and get the sense that you’re plucking ripened fruit from the tree as you walk by. You could also put a few around the base to look even more like fallen leaves. But honestly, why would you go to the trouble? Unless you’re having a Halloween dinner party with four courses of candy dishes on the menu, this just doesn’t make much sense. (If you’re having that party, though, please invite me.)


3. Don’t Eat the Bath Salts
It’s all fun and games until someone eats the bath salts. Honestly, I’ve read the description for this little project three or four times, and I still don’t get it. All I can imagine is me soaking in a bathtub of water slowly turning into a salty simple syrup. One with orangish candy chunks sinking to the bottom. That is not at all appealing. Who can relax at a time like that? No, thanks. I’m good. I’ll just eat the candy before bath time, if you don’t mind.


4. Pinterest, You Are Drunk
Look, I see what you’re trying to do, Kit Kat Cake, but this is mixing far too many textures and flavors to work. You’ve got the pointy-edged Kit-kat bar, the chewy candy corn and the even softer cake. Your mouth won’t know WHAT to think. You’d be better off shoving your head into the candy stash, bobbing-for-apples style because this is one of these Pinterest projects that seems simple but ends up making you feel like a failure at life. Nah. If you need me, I’ll skip the baking and head straight to the infused vodka. (See above.)




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